Instinct
by Blackbird in the Rain
Summary: Michiru wonders if that innate knowledge, that part of her that tells her what to say, what attacks to use and how to transform, is the same part of her that whispers to stay close to Haruka. Whispers to her to never leave, to put her hand in Haruka's and hold her closer than Michiru holds her own heart.


**A/N: I'm back! After like, two years maybe? I wrote a load of stuff as procrastination during exams and figured I may as well post it here now I'm done. (you can tell I was writing during exams because this is literally just angst I'm so sorry) Please bear in mind I haven't written really anything for two years so this is probably awful, I can't even tell anymore!**

 **Also, I guess, warnings for canon character death (ok so they only died for one episode but I figured I'd better say it anyway. Nobody ever seems to actually die in SM). Anyway, please enjoy (also this is un-beta'd so there are probably mistakes and feel free to call me out on them!)**

Michiru wonders if that innate knowledge, that part of her that tells her what to say, what attacks to use and how to transform, is the same part of her that whispers to stay close to Haruka. Whispers to her to never leave, to put her hand in Haruka's and hold her closer than Michiru holds her own heart.

Being close to Haruka is selfish, Michiru tells herself, but at the same time it's just something she knows to do, something instinctive, just like she knows she has to search out the talismans and the Messiah no matter the cost. It's selfish, because she knows Haruka could be, will be, certainly is, hurt, in more ways than just physically. It's selfish because their mission is a lonely one, wherein they have only each other in the whole world, and by dragging the other girl into her world, Michiru has ensured they'll be alone together. It's selfish because Haruka deserves so much better than the life of the Senshi, than the life Michiru's been leading up to now, and yet Michiru feels herself approaching the other girl almost like she's in a dream, knowing every second that she should leave Uranus dormant, should let Haruka lead her own life, but selfishly wanting her, wanting to be close to a girl she's never known. Wanting to not be alone any more.

The moment Haruka transforms for the first time is just a much a loss as it is a victory. Neptune feels Uranus holding her, gentle, mindful of her wounds, and the feeling that she's not alone anymore, the feeling of Uranus' arms around her, is wonderful, feels _right_ and she knows Uranus must feel it too.

At the same time, she feels even before they've got to know each other that she's betrayed the other girl. That it was her duty to keep her lover from another life happy, free, safe from the burden of their mission, and every close embrace and kiss and lingering touch feels like a betrayal.

The feeling passes somewhat with time, always there but dulled, as Haruka takes up her new role with a shining vengeance, and soon Michiru can't imagine a world, a time, without her. Haruka has been at her side in all the lives they've led, and in this new one she slots into her place by Michiru's side like a puzzle piece, allowing her to forget her guilt both in the elation of knowing she's no longer alone, and in the way Haruka holds her close and promises her life is better like this, with the two of them together.

And their life is better, Michiru manages to trick herself into thinking. _They_ are better, and princess or not there's nothing Sailor Moon can do to help them. Even with her numerous friends, even with Mars, Mercury, Venus and Jupiter, the princess is too weak to help them, too young and too innocent to do what is necessary no matter the cost. The princess is naive, foolish, even and even her prince is little better, idealistic and protective to the last. Neptune and Uranus know it's best stay apart, even as they are drawn together in their everyday lives (not that they realise it, at first, that the shining, clumsy Usagi who stumbles into their lives, chasing, of all things, after Haruka, is their long lost princess. Even when she's clinging in in her fierce, friendly way they don't notice it. Not yet.).

It's best to stay apart, to remain distant, they tell each other, and yet Michiru knows how they selfishly cling to one another, that if she had to follow either the mission or Haruka she can't even fathom which she'd choose. Both are integral parts of her life now, but as much as she hides from the truth, bringing Haruka this far, even letting her transform in that dingy garage what seems like a lifetime ago, was pure selfishness on her part.

Still, they go on living, alone together, driving the princess out of their lives as best they know how, hurting her because otherwise she'll only get in their way, and it's better like this. Easier for everyone.

Except of course now they're alone, and all Neptune knows is that she's trapped, and that Haruka might die, and that she can't let that happen. Her vision has narrowed and all she can see is the gun poised at Haruka's chest, and there's suddenly a sweeping, nauseating sensation in her gut, and the world tilts and Neptune is briefly given a glimpse of the world from another perspective, because no matter the mission and no matter how many times she's stood by as this has happened to other people, no matter how many times she's pretended not to breathe a sigh of relief as each pure heart was returned to it's owner (she isn't emotionless, after all. If she ever felt she was stone cold, that facade's been eroded away by the wind or water), Uranus, _Haruka_ doesn't deserve this. Michiru may have forced Haruka to live this life but she can't let her die, here, like this.

Perhaps it's one final bout of selfishness that gives Michiru the power to break away from the bonds that have been holding her like a victim for a sacrifice, that pushes her forward even when she hears her own voice screaming in pain, but as she sees the gun leveled at her own chest, as she staggers forward only to hear Haruka scream her name, her only thought is that she's selfish, _selfish_ and that Haruka never deserved this, that she should have left her alone, that if she'd just been stronger, if she hadn't let her loneliness get the better of her, then maybe she could have saved Haruka.

And Michiru wonders if that innate knowledge, that part of her that tells her what to say, what attacks to use and how to transform, is the same part of her that whispers to her that all she can do is protect Haruka with everything she has, even her own life. Whispers to her to love, to live, and to die for the other girl, so that at least one of them can get out of this lonely hell alive.


End file.
